HOUSE OR HOME?

When a nation does not live its life, when it stops thinking and researching, then words and concepts lose their meaning. This loss of semantics or science of words distorts our vision and world view. Another loss of an unthinking people is the absence of the art and awareness of connecting words and concepts and the various institutions we live by. Quite oblivious of it, we continue to wade through the mire of glaring contradictions smug in these elf-deception that we are “Muslim Ummah” and hence the best and the chosen ones.

I have picked up today the very basic and fundamental social unit- the Family. Does this family unit manage to make merely a house of mud, brinks, stone or wood or, transforms it into a “home” of living, vibrant, free, loving and wholesome members? That is the question. Whether each one of us is living in t a house o r home it is for reach on of is to think, feel and conclude. I am presenting the view in the way I look at it.

The family until construct itself on the institution of marriage, the husband and wife relationship, and its relationship within its progeny -- daughters and sons. Before analysis, and evaluation of this institution, it would be advisable to describe the status quo as it exists, and trace its heritage as well.

Now the society in which we live ins a sexually segregated one. Although the “mardana” and “zanana” walls in the house are breaking down, and more and more women are seen and accepted functioning outside the house without being immediately dubbed as prostitutes, the fact remains that in the innermost depths of our subconscious such a woman is still suspect.

Secondly, the logical result of this is the feel rooted system of arranged marriages and its concomitant, child marriage. Although and ancient and medieval times, this was not unknown the world over, basically in south Asia our heritage is traceable to the Hindu way of life, a particularly its caste system.

Thirdly, with the background of the institution of “sati”, widow remarriage was irrelevant and divorce in the Hindu law was unknown, hence, until today, a widow and a divorcee are looked down upon as a bad omen and remarriage frowned upon and stigmatized. In fact, before Muslim Family Laws of 1961, it was unthinkable, an anathema.

Fourthly, as far as the children are concerned, the society is very much parent and old age oriented, and children are merely an extension of the parents. They do not exist on their own right as individuals. In fact children are just not allowed to think and feel for themselves.

Our tragedy lies in that the existing traditional family life, and the various facets of this institution, where their heritage we have totally identified these with Islam and we continually keep on justifying, twisting, rationalizing the Quranic words and concepts to suit the status quo. Unfortunately, while perched on the highest executive position, Benazir, Bhutto seems to have put a stamp on it when, in her answer to repeated questions on her conventionally arranges marriage, she described it as traditional and Islamic. Then our Conventions, our meting, our speeches, are superfluous.

Thanks to Allam G.A. Parwez’s “Classification of the Quran”, “Dictionary of the Quran” and other great works, I have been able to test this “linkage” between ‘traditional’ and ‘Islamic’ in the light of the Quranic words and concepts and the result was a horror, for there is no ‘linkage’. This is where ‘semantics’ the science of words and the attempts to ‘connect’ contradictions play an indispensable role.

To being with Surah 4, Verses 3 and 19, and Surah 33, Verse 52, emphasizes that marriage is based on mutual likeness. Unless the desire to live together does not spring from the heart, indeed it is no marriage. This likeness is not that of physical appearance – the stupidity and childishness of seeing a photograph, o having a glimpse though a goal in the curtain, or a chink in the floor, makes me laugh. This likeness, as the Quran expresses, is in-depth discernment of each personalities and possibilities of likeminded companionship. this evaluation and description of marriage cannot be glossed over. There is much more to it that meets the eye. This kind of mutual likeness cannot originate and develop in a segregated society. On the contrary, a segregated society fosters lust, deprivation, mystery, disrespect, unhealthy curiosity and dishonesty. An open society which the Quran visualizes, is composed of integrated, developed men and women with healthy minds and intellect. After all, sec is not the only like between men and women.

A contract has certain preconditions: the two parties concerned should be adult grown up individuals, old enough to understand what the contract this all about and be able to bear its responsibilities. Secondly, a contract is signed between equal parties, and thridly, it must be willingly consented to. This its true of any contract, hence the very word immediately rejects child marriage and blind, arranged marriages. This is not all. A contract willingly signed, can be willingly terminated by the partied concerned. Hence in Surah 33, vs. 28, if differences arise in ones ideas and world-view, if one is no longer like-minded, then it is advisable to separate.

There is another very intriguing aspect to this marriage syndrome. When talking about marriage by choice andcuctaly likeness, the Quran is directly addressing the man and woman concerned. The role of the parents as advisors, the most concerned in the situation, even if they happen to be their own biological children, on matters that concern an intimate lifelong partnership is not understandable. As I said in the beginning, children are individuals who exist on their own right as persons/ there are certainly not a mere passive extension of the parents.

I can imagine you raising your hands in horror against what I have said. But all the I have tried to point out is that there is no linkage between our ‘traditions’ and ‘Islam’. Conceptually, their move in the opposite directions. At the same time, the Quran does not expect overnight changes. What is important at this stage is the consciousness and awareness of what is ‘tradition’ and what is ‘Islamic’. When slowly and gradually, this awareness becomes a convection and hence generally acceptable , the family pattern will change.

What I have attempted is only an academic exercise. We are not oriented towards scientific research. We gleefully quote and deride the western society on the break-down of their family unit, their high percentage of divorce rate, their wayward and defiant children. But how do we know all this? It is because that society has the grit and the self confidence to not only research, but also publish and distribute t the world over. Do we have the capacity to work hard and the confidence to find out whether we live in houses or home? Why are husbands dominating and indulge in wide beating? Why do they always resent a “No” from their family members? Why are wives always depressed, frustrated, and shrewish? Why do mother cling to their sons possessively and are unable to share them with their wives? Why are children dishonest and hypocritical? We like to presume that God’s Heaven and all is well with the World. How can anything be wrong with someone who describes himself as a Muslim?

Ejaculating from observation of our past 43 years of history, everything is wrong. How come our family units and it is a truism that aggregation of these units make a society and a nation – are not producing great leader, scholars and teachers? To make it worse, why are we so characterless? Why are we always camp followers? How come we not only fail to solve the Kashmir issue, we have even lost East Pakistan and Siachin? In the absence of scientific research, this is enough of an historical pragmatic test that our families have failed and alive in houses and not in homes.